


As I Say, Not As I Do

by Chessala



Series: Victuuri Oneshots and Short Scribbles [6]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Being Walked In On, M/M, Podium Family, The Talk, blowjob, discussion of sex in public places, embarrassed Viktor, embarrassed yuuri, knife shoes, smug Yuri
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-13
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-11-13 19:54:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11192286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chessala/pseuds/Chessala
Summary: Viktor throws a glance at Yuuri and finds the other man looking at him with the same expression he knows he is having. He wants to run, be anywhere but in this café with Nikolai Plisetsky about to ask them the question he has been hoping this meeting wouldn’t be about. Viktor is not a religious man but in this very moment, he prays to every god he can think of. He reaches over and takes Yuuri’s hand, squeezing it tightly.Nikolai clears his throat and suddenly looks straight at them, eyes slightly hazy from the alcohol.“Vitya, can you and your Yuuri talk to my Yuratchka about…the things grown-ups do in bed? I could never do it.”-----------------In which Viktor and Yuuri are being asked to give YuriThe Talkbut it doesn't exactly go as they imagined.





	As I Say, Not As I Do

**Author's Note:**

> This came up in a discussion with some friends (Thank you, Kash!) and I couldn't get this out of my head, so here I am - I hope you enjoy our boys being grilled!
> 
> Special thank you to [cryingoverspilledvodka](http://archiveofourown.org/users/cryingoverspilledvodka) for suggesting the title when I was stuck on it!

Viktor nervously shifts in his chair, letting his eyes wander to an equally nervous Yuuri seated in one of the café’s comfortable chairs right next to him. Opposite them, Nikolai Plisetsky puts down his coffee cup and pours a bit more vodka into the beverage. 

Viktor has known Yuri’s grandfather ever since the day the teenager has first set foot into Yakov Feltman’s rink. Despite his grumpy appearance, the old man has a soft heart, especially when it comes to his grandson. Viktor likes him and even though Yuri is anything but happy about it, he shares a friendship with the old man. Before Viktor had gone to Japan, they had shared many a phone call and meeting, if Viktor happened to be in Moscow. Many of these meetings have been about Yuri and his progress. While Nikolai appreciates the updates he receives from Yakov, he likes to hear Viktor’s perspective as a competitor rather than a coach as well.

Today, however, is different from their usual meetings. While enjoying his weekend getaway with Yuuri in Moscow, Viktor had received a call from Nikolai on the morning of their last day in the city, asking him for an urgent meeting. Of course he and Yuuri had agreed, how could they not? 

Nikolai slowly lets the Vodka bottle slide into his pocket again and takes another sip of coffee before suddenly downing the whole cup. Next to him, Yuuri shifts a little and throws Viktor a worried glance, mouthing a silent  _ ‘is he always like this?’  _ Viktor shakes his head discreetly at the question and clears his throat before talking.

“What did you want to talk about, Nikolai?” he asks careful, trying not to sound too worried.

“Vitya,” the old man starts before sighing deeply “my Yuratchka is 16 now, almost a man.”

A sudden coughing pulls Viktor’s attention to his fiancé, who obviously has choked on his drink after Nikolai’s statement. He gives Yuuri’s back a few soothing rubs until he signalizes that everything is alright and for Nikolai to continue.

Nikolai nods and inhales deeply before continuing. Viktor swears that in that moment, his guts tell him to run as far away as possible because whatever the old man is about to say just  _ can’t be good. _

“He doesn’t have a lot of friends but he has always looked up to you and your fiancé, Vitya.” Nikolai continues slowly. “I live too far away, I can’t always be there for him. But I know he is not alone. Also….” the older man stops again for a moment, his voice dropping slightly, “...lately he has been talking about a new friend a lot, someone called Otabek?”

Viktor nods slowly, holding onto the corner of the table to keep himself steady. This can’t possibly going in the direction he is thinking. It’s probably just his imagination, his instincts being wrong, his brain playing a cruel joke on him.

“Aaah, it’s good he is making new friends and he seems to be very enthusiastic about this one. The last time he spoke so much about something was about someone called Katsudon, like that dish he liked in Japan.”

Another frantic set of coughs can be heard from Yuuri as his fiancé hurries to put the cup down before it drops. 

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri says while trying to regain his breath “I think the tea is a bit too strong today….”

Viktor bites his lower lip to keep himself from laughing. He really shouldn’t but the situation is starting to get comical in a way. Nikolai nods at Yuuri with understanding.

“You see,” the old man picks up where he has stopped before, “Yuri is surrounded by lovely people and eventually he will want to go out with someone. Maybe Mila, they seem to get along. Or maybe with his new friend Otabek.”

Viktor throws a glance at Yuuri and finds the other man looking at him with the same expression he knows he is having. He wants to run, be anywhere but in this café with Nikolai Plisetsky about to ask them the question he has been hoping this meeting wouldn’t be about. Viktor is not a religious man but in this very moment, he prays to every god he can think of. He reaches over and takes Yuuri’s hand, squeezing it tightly.

Nikolai clears his throat and suddenly looks straight at them, eyes slightly hazy from the alcohol.

“Vitya, can you and your Yuuri talk to my Yuratchka about…the things grown-ups do in bed? I could never do it.”

In that precise moment, Viktor decides that there is no god. There simply can’t be when he is being asked to talk to Yuri Plisetsky about safe sex. He feels Yuuri’s hand tightening in a vice grip around his, making him wince with pain. When he looks over, the Yuuri is as pale as the ice they skate on, making his raven hair seem even darker.

“Are you alright, Yuuri?” Viktor asks gently while leaning over. At his words, Yuuri blinks and turns to face Viktor, looking as if he had just woken up from a dream.

“Y-yes, sure. I was just...erm...surprised….” Yuuri stutters, looking at Nikolai Plisetsky from the corner of his eyes. Viktor nods and gives him an understanding smile. Never in his life has he imagined this request and he still wonders what he has done recently to deserve such punishment. It’s not like they can refuse it, how would they explain that they would rather not be ripped into pieces by a 16-years old because of telling him how to stretch his boyfriend properly? Just the thought makes Viktor hardly be able to suppress a shiver.

“Will you do it, Vitya? I want him to know….” Viktor hears Nikolai ask and he looks at him, hoping his smile doesn’t look as fake as it feels.

“Of course we will, just leave it to us.” he hears himself say as if listening to a stranger.

 

Nikolai beams at them them, looking as if a huge burden has fallen off his shoulders suddenly. All Viktor feels at this moment is the urgent need to write his will.

*****************************

(2 days later)

“Are you sure I’m not sick, Yuuri? Or maybe you aren’t feeling alright? We shouldn’t be inviting people if we don’t fe-”

“Vitya,” Yuuri sighs, interrupting his fiancé’s third repeat of the same rant, “ isn’t it better to just get it over with?”

Yuuri is right, of course Yuuri is right. But they have just spent a beautiful weekend in Moscow and Viktor simply doesn’t feel ready to die at the young age of 28. He sighs deeply and tries his puppy dog eyes again - to no avail.

“We promised his grandfather, Vitya. He is only 16, do you really think he will attack you with his skates?” Yuuri says, amusement obvious in his voice as he runs his thumb soothingly over the back of Viktor’s hand.

“Knife shoes, Yuuri, he called them knife shoes before!” Viktor whines. “What if he decides to make use of the blades?”

Yuuri shakes his head, making a sound somewhere between laughing and sighing. It’s adorable, really, but Viktor wishes he would take the situation they are in a little bit more seriously. He looks at Yuuri with a pout, which is promptly turning into a smile as Yuuri presses a very light kiss on the tip of Viktor’s nose.

“Don’t worry, I’ll protect you. But a promise is a promise and we’ll make sure there are no sharp objects in the room, alright?” Yuuri offers with a soft smile.

Viktor nods slowly, still not fully convinced of their safety but a bit calmer nonetheless. He is about to say something in reply when a sharp knock on the door makes them look towards it. Viktor knows it’s Yuri, he has heard that knock too many times before. Yuuri gets off the couch and opens the front door to a very annoyed looking Yuri Plisetsky.

The teenagers mutters a greeting after stepping into the apartment, looking around suspiciously. Viktor gives him a cheery wave, which is met with an almost instant growel.

“You better have some food for asking me here…” Yuri hisses, letting himself fall on the couch next to Viktor.

“Nice to see you too, Yura! Did you miss us?” Viktor all but chirps, ignoring the dread in his stomach as best as he can.

“Like the flu.” Yuri replies before putting his feet on the coffee table and pulling out his phone. “Whatever you want, don’t make it too long, Otabek wants to see a movie later.”

“Can you set the table, Vitya?” Yuuri calls from the kitchen he has disappeared to after opening the door to finish the katsudon. They have planned to first get Yuri into a somewhat decent mood before breaching the topic of  _ ‘how to have safe sex with your boyfriend’.  _ Viktor, for his part, isn’t sure that they aren’t actually a few weeks too late for this kind of talk. He swears he has seen them holding hands before.

Viktor gets up and starts setting the table while the mouthwatering smell of the frying pork starts filling the room. He can see Yuri pretend to be busy with his phone while checking on their progress several times and it makes Viktor smile. As much as the teenager tries to look angry and untouchable, his soft side does come through more often than he actually realizes. 

After everything is set and the katsudon is prepared, they sit down in what can almost be called comfortable silence. While Viktor and Yuuri try to pick up some casual conversation here and there, Yuri is too busy gorging down the food to reply with anything but a few grunts. His mood, however, does seem to improve over the meal. The frown he has been wearing ever since he set foot into their apartment wasn’t as deep anymore and Viktor almost thinks he can see a satisfied smile when Yuri leans back on his chair after finishing.

There isn’t really excuse to hold off now and Viktor knows it. Yuuri is already clearing the table and putting a bottle of whisky on it, looking at Viktor with a knowing smile. Oh he’ll need it no doubt. After having a glass with ice placed in front of him too, Viktor fills his glass and takes a big gulp before clearing his throat.

“So Yura….” he starts, trying to sound as casual as he can. “How have things been with Otabek lately?” Viktor hears another glass being filled next to him and isn’t surprised when he sees Yuuri pour himself some alcohol as well. Best to not be sober for this conversation alright.

“Normal, why?” Yuri replies, suspicion already present in his voice. Viktor throws a quick glance around and notices that there are indeed no sharp objects around them. They might live after all.

“You two seem to be close lately.” he continues carefully, fixing his eyes on the teenager.

“So what?” Yuri snaps back, body starting to tense.

If Viktor hadn’t decided that there is no god - how else would he be in this situation - he would be praying now. How is he supposed to even breach the subject  _ casually? _

“We were wondering…” Yuuri helps him out, voice slightly shaky, “if you two have been maybe….more than friends?”

Yuri squints at them but doesn’t say anything, leaving Viktor and Yuuri to continue.

“You know you’re 16 now…almost an adult and we-”

“You have to be kidding me….” Yuri groans, letting his head fall on the table with a loud  _ ‘thud’. _ “Are you telling me I’m here to talk to you about  _ sex _ !?”

“But it’s important that you know how to do it properly!” Yuuri rushes to say, face flushed an endearing shade of red. “We just want you to be prepared in case you...you know!”

“I DON’T NEED TO HEAR ABOUT….” Yuri starts screaming when his eyes suddenly gleam mischievously and he leans back in his chair. “You know, you are right. I should be prepared. So tell me  _ everything _ I need to know.”

Abort mission, Viktor’s head screams. He has known Yuri long enough to know that this smile never means anything good. His problem is that he doesn’t know what he could possibly be planning. The worst outcome would be that he has, in fact, been eagerly practicing the topic of discussion already, in which case this talk is definitely not needed.

So for now, Viktor takes the bait and smiles at Yuri before taking another gulp of whiskey. 

“So first,” Viktor starts “You should only...er...engage with someone that you trust. Being intimate like that is a big step…”

Yuri nods as if Viktor had just sprinkled him with wisdom itself. It’s unnerving, Yuri is never this obedient unless he has something up his sleeve. Viktor throws a quick glance at Yuuri, who has been nursing his drink while keeping an eye on Yuri’s expression. At least Viktor isn’t alone with the thought that something is off. 

“But at your age things just happen sometimes….” Viktor continues, feeling his cheeks slowly heat up as he gets closer to the part where he will have to go into actual details. “...so don’t forget to have condoms with you…”

Yuri’s smile turns into a smirk as he looks back and forth between Yuuri and Viktor.

“Of course, one should  _ always _ use condoms, I’m sure you do as well?” the teenager says with a way too pleased expression.

“O-of course we do, right Yuuri?” Viktor hurries to say. Yuuri puts down his glass with a bit too much force and looks at Viktor with a mortified expression.

“We-we do! It’s...you know...safer and….yes of course….” Yuuri stammers while placing a well-aimed kick against Viktor’s leg, making him hiss in pain.

“So you do, that’s good to know….” Yuri says slowly, deliberately drawing out the words more than necessary. He slowly leans forwards and rests his arms on the table, head on top of them.

The question why Yuri wants to know if they use condoms is on the tip of Viktor’s tongue but he can’t bring himself to ask it. He suspects it has to do with the rising nausea at Yuri’s ever-growing look of pure satisfaction. By now, all he wants is to have this awkward situation over with so he decides to go full force ahead..

“There are a lot of things you can do, you don’t have to….erm…I mean you shouldn’t go for  _ that _ unless you have been with that person for a while….”

Viktor feels some sweat trickling down the back of his neck. How did he end up here again? He has never gotten the talk and he is fine, isn’t the internet teaching people these things nowadays? Viktor has never wanted children and he is suddenly very grateful that there is no way he and Yuuri can have an accident and end up with one. 

“What do you mean with  _ that?” _ Yuri asks, almost sounding innocently. Viktor doesn’t fall for it. He is very sure that Yuri knows exactly what he is talking about.

“He means p-p-pen-pene….tration….” Yuuri stutters, trying to help his husband and Viktor loves him even more for just that.

“I see.” Yuri says sweetly “Do you two do it? Maybe I can get some tips, since I’m  _ almost _ an adult and all that.”

“ _ Yuri! _ ” Yuuri gasps in horror. “You don’t ask people that!”

Yuri tilts his head a little and shrugs, shifting his position again.”Fine, just go on then.”

So Viktor does, covering everything from lube, condoms, proper stretching and hygiene to appropriate locations.

“You wouldn’t want to be anywhere, where one of you doesn’t feel comfortable or where people could walk in on you.” Viktor finishes with a relieved sigh. Somehow they have survived this.

And then it happens, Viktor can see the change in Yuri’s posture and the utter joy in his eyes. When he starts talking, his voice drips with sarcasm.

“Of course you wouldn’t want to have anyone walk in on you, so it’s best to stay behind closed door,  _ right? _ ” he hisses. Viktor is about to say something but Yuri interrupts him before he can say a single word.

“So I wonder, why is that that about everyone on the rink has walked in on you at least half a dozen times without you even noticing, including me?” he says while looking back and forth between the two of them.

From his side, Viktor hears Yuuri take in a sharp breath and when he looks over, his eyes are wide in shock and his face is trying to rival a tomato. Not that Viktor looks any better right now. He knew Yuri has been up to something but he didn’t expect this. Well,  _ fuck _ .

“We haven’t….I mean we wouldn’t...oh god, Viktor….” Yuuri says, his voice an octave higher than it usually is.

“Oh you would, and you have.” Yuri says. “I’ll be nice and tell you when and where exactly I have found you  _ being careful behind locked doors. _ ”

“No! Yuri...it’s ok, no!” Yuuri says, horrified. Viktor wants to say the same but his vocal cords seem to have stopped working entirely within the last minute.

“Oh, it’s my pleasure. So where should we start…” the teenager muses smugly.

“This is a nightmare….” Yuuri whines while suddenly emptying the last of his whiskey. Viktor thinks that his reaction is very appropriate and refills his own glass hastily.

“There was that time on my morning run to the rink.” Yuri begins. “Really, I just wanted to have a hot chocolate without Yakov finding out. I’m not sure if seeing you make out next to the café was worth it though.”

They groan in unison, unable to deny that particular morning encounter. But they had only been kissing then, getting some of the cold out of their bones. Sure they hadn’t stayed  _ unaffected _ but Viktor clearly remembers that it had been way too cold for anything else.

“And let’s not forget the one time I decided to come back to the rink because I just wanted to train some more. Do you really think blowjobs on the ice are appropriate? I’m sure Yakov lost some more hairs that time as well.”

Yuuri lets out a pathetic whimper and Viktor gently places a hand on his back. He wishes the floor would just open up and swallow them whole. He remembers assuring Yuuri that everyone had already left and that it would be safe. And he doesn’t care anymore if there is a god or not, he prays Yuri and Yakov didn’t see what came after the blowjob. He trusts that they didn’t stay around for it.

“What else…” Yuri teases, “...ah yes, you know why no one except you sits on the couch in the break room anymore? I’m pretty sure those times didn’t involve condoms. Though there was plenty of lube.”

Viktor can hear a sob from Yuuri. They certainly have had their little adventures on the couch. So much for surviving the day.

“I’m not done just yet.” Yuri says, voice practically bursting with excitement.

“N-no, it’s ok, we got it….” Viktor says while trying to sooth Yuuri at the same time.

“But I wouldn’t want you to miss out.” Yuri snarls and clears his throat before continuing. “It actually was only a week ago, you know? That’s why today has been so  _ enlightening _ to me.”

Viktor finds himself frantically searching his brain for what could have happened a week ago and he only comes up with one scenario. But it can’t be that, he is positive they had been alone then, right?

“All I wanted was to shower.” Yuri begins, sounding almost melancholic.”I had just turned off the water when the locker room door was slammed open.”

“This can’t be real….” Yuuri hiccups next to Viktor and he knows exactly what Yuuri is feeling, suddenly knowing why they have been told to go on that weekend getaway by Yakov.

“ _ ‘I can’t wait anymore, just fuck me Viktor’ _ “ Yuri says in his best imitation of Yuuri’s voice, revelling in the expression he gets from Viktor while Yuuri has given up on lifting his head from where it’s hidden behind his arms. Yuri leans a bit closer, voice dripping with sarcasm. “ I don’t think I heard you using a condom then either. I might have been a bit too far away though, it’s not like the lockers and the showers are  _ that _ close.”

Viktor feels his cheeks burning, trying to will away the images of the particular evening Yuri is referring to. He can’t deny that they might have been a bit careless and that things got heated really fast. It’s not his fault, though. He is but a man and Yuuri had been doing that thing with his teeth on Viktor’s throat. Really, how can anyone blame him for giving in to Katsuki Yuuri? The man that Viktor is sure would look attractive in a potato bag.

He clears his throat and looks at Yuri, trying to will his blush away and keep his voice steady. How did it ever come to this? He makes a mental note to be careful the next time Nikolai Plisetsky asks to meet him while carrying a bottle of Vodka.

“Yuuri and I are engaged, that doesn’t mean we aren’t being careful when-” Viktor starts.

“Really?” Yuri interrupts smugly. “You know, it didn’t  _ sound  _ like you were being careful. Unless ‘ _ harder’ _ is now a safe word?”

Viktor leans back with a groan. That’s it, he gives up. He doesn’t know who ever came up with this vicious phase called adolescence but he feels at 28 he is too old to deal with it. He also thinks that Yuri definitely didn’t need  _ The Talk _ . Retiring and not ever seeing anyone at the rink again suddenly feels like a great option - so does another glass of whisky or two.

At least they haven’t been killed with knife shoes.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it! I'd be happy to hear your opinions in the comments ^_^
> 
> You can also find me on [tumblr](http://chessala.tumblr.com)


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